Technologme Read online



  TECHNOLOGME

  by

  Darrel D. Miller

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  PUBLISHED BY:

  Technologme

  Copyright © 2015 by Darrel D. Miller

  This is a free satirical essay arguing a silly premise, so take everything I write in here completely seriously and get mad about it. That's right I spent an absurd amount of time on an absurd argument – enjoy.

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  Imagine a world where everyone you knew carried a small mirror in their pocket. Now imagine that they would look into that mirror every few seconds. Annoying right? Totally. I would agree, and I would point out that this isn't much different than cell phones. They are small, hand held, and something people can't stop looking at. But it wasn't always this way, at one time, we had a mirrors, and no one would have stared at those all day. The image was too true.

  You see I grew up in an era of very little personal technology. Mostly because personal technology didn’t really exist and my mother wouldn’t let me have any. Also at the time “personal technology” amounted to sex toys. As you can guess by now I grew up in the 70s and 80s. Long before the invention of the practical internet – yes there was an internet back then, but it was used for something stupid: learning. Therefore this gives me a unique perspective when it comes to mobile technology, because I can see what I was missing. It also means I am old and so am obligated to yell at you kids to get off my lawn, but that is a tired cliché so I will yell at you kids to get of my LAN.

  Not only does the fact that I did not grow up with mobile personal technology give me unique insight into the problems of having it, but I also now own my own mobile technology. I know that makes you jealous and it should. My flip phone has allowed me unprecedented access to an online world of filth and fear.

  I should point out however, that most young people use their connectivity for connectivity. That is right, most of us are ignoring the person sitting across from us to engage with pixels of people in the digital social verse of social media. From selfies to snapchat, from twitter to a book about faces, social media is skyrocketing, while social interaction is plummeting. With cell phones in every pocket, prepare to stare at the looking glass and never get beyond it, enamored by the image reflected, and not the world offered behind it.

  This is known as social media. What has always existed in a limited form – media - is now proffered to a wide swath of humanity as a tool, and we have taken the bait. Media has always existed, in every culture, it is a means of communication. And we have decided that the best way to communicate with those we love and call “friend” is through what amounts to a giant never ending chain letter, or worse: a Christmas letter.

  I grew up with a people who thought we wanted to know every damn thing about their “perfect little family”. How Brent was in choir, shop, the school play, the town play, and was dating the prettiest girl in the town. Or how little Amy had the brightest smile and was just the sweetest little girl around. Man, the reason for the season seemed to be about bragging about how great their goddamn life was, and had the effect of making me feel like I sucked. Now every day is Christmas Letter day. Thank you Book of Faces.

  I would like to stop for a moment however and note something that I think passes by unnoticed. The world “media” comes from the word “medium”. Yes this word does mean primarily “communicating through” but it can also mean “average”. And I think that is a better fit for social media. Because what you get is the average of this person’s life. You never really see the lows because you would unfriend them (admit it - we've all had that person who is negative about everything - and they are no longer your friend.) And if all they do is brag about how awesome their life is - you also unfriend them. The new standard for friendship: no real emotion; keep it bland. It seems using mobile technology doesn’t just slacken your face, but your life as well.

  And I should know. Yes it is true, the internet did not exist when I grew up (yes I am that old), but we did have computers. And those computers could play video games. Sure they were very simple looking, nothing like the awesome stuff nowadays, but we were hooked. In fact one time I missed a whole day outside in The Nature, because I was completely absorbed in playing a very simple ninja game.

  I had gone to see my friend “Nathan” (his real name) because he had a computer and I had a computer game to play. He thought the game was kinda cool, but then another “friend” (his not mine) “Chris” came over and so “Nathan’s” mom decided we needed to play outside. As a side note “playing outside” in my state meant “go outside and shoot something”. These two were also avid deer hunters, but I was, not. I declined, and told them to have fun “outside”. Well Nathan’s mom was not excited I didn’t want to go outside and told me I was lazy for not wanting to go be outside in the fresh air. So I took my game and went home. I got to see all that sunshine as I walked the 3.5 miles back home.

  So as you can see, computers, even without the ability to let you connect, allow you to disappear from those around you: complete absorbed by it.

  This doesn’t just have social implications, but physical ones too.

  Take for example, Texty Neck (not the clinical definition). This curious problem is created when a cell phone user spends so much time looking at their phone they strain their neck, inhibit their breathing, and run into walls - which hurts their faces and necks. And yes, this is not a new phenomenon. Texty neck has existed since the invention of books, sometime in the 1500s. We have been calling “nerds” pencil necks for a long time. However, there is one significant difference. People who read books learn something. People who spend all day on their phone get all the neck, and none of the knowledge.

  In fact I used to be told “get your nose out a book” implying that I was not living life if I was always reading. Perhaps that could be more truly said about cell phones.. Lets just examine what most people are doing most of the time on those devices. What could it be? Finding a cure for cancer? Connecting with friends? Creating the Next Great American Novel? Nope, not even close.

  There is about 900 times more information on the internet than there was just a month ago. This is due to the fact that people like to take pictures of their shoes, their food, or their new hair cut. This also includes videos of their shoes, their food, and their new hair cut (while its being cut). As you can see we are producing a lot of content. We are not content with old content. It must be currently happening now, or it is not happening now. Its like we don’t believe something is happening unless everyone else knows it is happening.

  Currently people are uploading about 500,000,000 photos a day to the internet - and that is not an exaggeration. Who knew we - or our food- was so photogenic. From the looks of it we are having a giant digital food fight, throwing it in each other’s Facebook. The benefit: no clean up.

  A current favorite for sharing photos is FadeChat, no its SnipChit, no, no, FaceChat, no, SnapChat. This app takes pictures that fade within a few seconds: the digital version of photos not dipped in lacquer in the 1870s, with the added feature that anyone with a cellphone near you can see them. Its also the digital version of your butt on a copier, and about as amusing. The estimated number of SnapChats is somewhere in the zerbaladigada. I just typed randomly on the keyboard because a word hasn’t been invented for the number of these that are daily sent, yet.

  It also appears that on average folks will check their cell phones around 1500 times a day. Although there are a variety of things they check, the most often checked app is the clock. That’s right, the oldest app known to man. It appears that not only has mobile technology sucked away our mobility, but our sense of time as well. The next app we are most likely to be using, en mass, is a texting app. We use it in the event that our
clock is broken, because we need to know the time.

  Most of the apps on a phone also use a variety of bells and whistles to get our attention, and, like Pavlov’s dogs, it works. Even if there is nothing of value to be seen or heard, which is most of it, we respond when we hear that chirp, or ding, or chime, or bong, or clang, or really any sound you would like to hear. In fact Pavlov’s goal - with his bell - was to create the most stimulating “text message received” sound possible. Thank you Mr. Science.

  However, there is one thing that I think epitomizes mobile technology better than any other activity. The thing that I think should be an icon for the internet. The one thing, oh fine, forget the build up: the selfie. If there is one thing that can tell us the most about mobile technology it is this - thing. If you don’t know what a selfie is, how selfish of you to not be current, it is a picture of yourself, taken by yourself, that you post yourself on the social media outlet of your choice. Usually it involves you making a face that is close to what it looks like when you have a sucker - or hard candy - in your mouth. I think it is called duck face, and I say that because I am not putting duck face into google. My guess is it will either be an actual duck face, or something that make me make a duck face (and not in an “oooohh” cool way.) Ok, I had to google it, not that bad. Basically it looks like you ate a lemon, and then wanted to take a picture of it for the rest of the world to see your stupidity. Mission accomplished.

  I realize this all sounds like the rantings of an old man who just “doesn’t get it”. But I did say at the beginning I wanted you off my LAN. So stay off, or I am calling the Internet Cops. And if you don’t buy what I have been selling I have one more arrow in my quiver, and it is a story, about a person. That I think best summarizes what mobile technology is doing to us. It is one you know, so enjoy.

  Once upon a time there was a Lady, lets say in her mid 30s. She had a much younger friend, a woman who need a lot of direction, and hung out with way too many men. This Lady was really upset, because she wanted to hang out with men too. But could not figure out how to meet them. Well fortune smiled on her, because she happened to be able to afford the latest cell phone. She loved the thing so much. It gave her the freedom to be herself, she posted on all the social media sites, and the Younger Woman “friended” her on one of them. These two shared a lot of the same friends. Well before you knew it everyone was posting on the Younger Woman’s page: giving her “likes” and “pokes”. Soon the Lady became very jealous and swore loudly, “Book of Face, who is more popular, me or her?” Social Media told her: it was the Young Lady. This vexed, infuriated, and pissed off the Lady. So she plotted at how she might become the most popular on the Book of Face. She happened upon a great plan, “I shall give her a infected Apple. It won’t work, and she won’t be able to post, she’ll lose followers, and I will be the most popular!”

  You know the rest of the story, and we are the Lady, not the Young Woman. Make sure to tip your phone on the way out.

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  NOTE TO THE READER:

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